The Eye Roll Diaries

God has a great way to change the heart and mind of new moms. For instance, there is that 9 months of “expecting” before you get a newborn. A transformation happens. A developmental phase if you will. You begin as carefree, then before you know it, your thoughts are consumed by the upcoming arrival of the baby growing in your body. As an expectant mother, I remember emotions like excitement, wonder, and an overwhelming fear of not being enough. There seemed to be an endless number things to teach this little person. The fear of inadequacy never ends for us mommas.   From the time a new mother feels the first movement in her belly, a bond is made that will last two lifetimes and life is measured by lessons being taught.

Just as our children  progress through the many developmental stages, so do the parents. We have to learn to parent this child as he/she changes. We must allow for growth, successes and failures. I hated seeing my children fall down as they began to walk. My husband once asked if we should get knee pads for them to wear when they were crawling. He didn’t want their knees to get all scraped up. I poo-pooed his idea, but it made my heart happy that he was looking after his babies!

Our kids grow and mature through the years, and we all do the best we can. One of my girlfriends made the comment that nothing gets you ready for taking care of teens. There is no 9 months of miracles. One day they are sweet little children, the next they are mouthy, smelly, hormonal teens. The challenges they bring us sometimes even seem insurmountable. Each phase comes a whopping sensation of fear and worry. Thankfully, each time our kids master the necessary stages, we get to also take a breath. We can watch as they begin to take the steps without us. Instead of the knee pads that my husband once wanted, I wonder what we can get to protect them at this stage? My teens think that we have too many rules. I prefer the word expectations. What helps our family is  frequent and fervent prayer. I’m telling you, I never knew what fervent prayer was until my kids turned into teens! I also didn’t  know the pride of a job well done until I watched them doing something independently. They drive us crazy, but watching them succeed makes it  it all worth while.

Death is not a topic often mentioned in youth, other than the passing of a grandparent or distant relative.  It makes people sad and uncomfortable, and I imagine it isn’t a thought that crosses the minds of our children too often, thankfully.  Most teens live by the fragile illusion that they they are unbreakable.  So when death claims a child, the pain feels particularly sharp and immeasurably wrong.

Both of my boys have both gone to memorial services for friends who have died.  The causes are as varied as the boys themselves, but the result was the same.  Sadness, fear, and loss are all feelings that our culture doesn’t like to deal with,  particularly with boys.  I witnessed this yesterday as my middle schooler was part of a memorial celebration for a friend who passed away one year ago this week.  Over 250 students and adults came to celebrate his short life together, encouraged in the hope that they would see him again one day.

They listened to a local pastor remind them that it’s important to remember their friend through laughter and sharing happy memories,  and it still honors him to celebrate through tears.  As the kids released red balloons into the sky with messages of love written to their friend, the emotion washed over the crowd.  My son seeked me out, with tears running down his face, and I hugged him close, crying with him. The faces of other boys mirrored his as they comforted one another, and it seemed they left a bit of childhood behind them that day.   It was a life lesson, one I wanted to protect him from a little while longer, this lesson is loss.

How do you help your teen understand and deal with death?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the short essay  “Welcome to Holland” written in 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley to help describe what it feels like to parent a child with a disability.  As the mom of a child with a disability, I can tell you it is close to impossible to describe what it’s like to learn your child has a disability  and the journey your life will take  to those who have not been there.

It’s a journey you never expected to be on and one you’re not sure you can handle or even want to take.  But take it you must, because you have a child who is counting on you to not only go on this journey but to stand up and fight for him the entire way.

There will be days during the journey when your heart will break as you watch your child struggle and when you come to the realization you may have let go of certain dreams you had for him/her.  There will also be days where you are elated as you watch your child learn a new skill or when you discover new dreams for your child that are every bit as lovely and wonderful as the ones you originally planned.

I won’t kid you, the journey is daunting, exhausting and there are days you will throw your hands up and say I can’t go on.  Yet, when a new day dawns you will find you’ve been blessed with the strength to continue traveling and the perspective to appreciate the beauty along the way.

Read Emily Perl Kingsley full essay  here:  WELCOME TO HOLLAND